I think growing up one of the many things you think about is those best friends you have, you think about all the moments you will share and experience together going from teenagers to adults, witnessing eachothers relationships and breakups to being there for each breakdown and all the achievements, goodness, even being a bridesmaid at a future wedding. A best friend is really everything a girl needs, like a built in sister.
Making friends or shall we say keeping friends is something I always struggled with growing up and I never said how hard I found it as I was always told "you are so outgoing, you're so confident". I didn't really have friends throughout primary school and I didn't realise it fully until I was entering high school. It took me until second year to find a group of people I felt like I could call my friends but I, just like every 13 year old, had to deal with drama of high school and instead of following a "leader" I just stopped seeing a group of people because of one person, at that moment, that fallout was the ending for me, but in hindsight it was nothing.
By the time I was 17 I thought I had a great circle, I had made a couple of new friends and we were inseperable, some I even worked with. I went from being home at weekends to spending nearly every weekend out surrounded by people and feeling like I belonged. I'd say I lost one or two friendships as the years went on but now being 21 years old I felt like I had my future bridemaids, like I had the aunties to my future children. I always saw my friends as my everything, I would do anything for them, be there at any time they would need me, I would put them before myself and would do anything I could to make them happy. If I had the chance to go back, I would tell myself to not give away as much, as it's something I would never give back.
You don't ever antisipate a friendship breakup, especially one that happens so sudden. I make mistakes and I can admit to that, did I ever think that planning a trip with another friend would cause one of my friends to stop all contact, no, was it intentional to cause harm, of course not, but it happened. One conversation between me and a friend thinking of planning a trip together resulted in a continous list of events, to that friend being so hurt and out of nowhere listing all these feelings they had and wanting time and space for a while was mind blowing to me. Something I just couldn't comprehend. I couldn't understand how the situation couldn't be discussed as adults and sorted out, considering how close I thought we were I just couldn't understand how it all spiraled so fast, I did everything I could think of to try and make ammends but nothing was working so I trusted the process and let whatever is meant to happen, happen.
I had tried to reach out and again no luck. I felt frustrated as I had been annoyed about things from the past, that I didn't talk about as I didn't see it as a big issue and just moved on. One argument we had was a big one and even though I was still annoyed and wanted space I could tell my friend was struggling, so I talked about it with them and we made ammends and carried on. So I guess alot of my thoughts were why can't I be met with the same grace. It was clear how I was feeling and just, nothing, me personally, I couldnt let a person, let alone a friend, feel that way over a situation.
I continued to give space, with the feeling that whenever the situation is meant to be discussed we would do so as two grown adults. I kept myself together and didn't talk about what was going on. My thoughts on my friendships changed over these coming weeks, realising that everything that annoyed them about a previous friend we had, all the things that friend had done, they were now doing to me. It was the icing on the cake when I seen the ammount of reposts of quotes about not having "true friends" or whatever else was being insinuated over social media, and that was when I said enough is enough. I happily let go of that friendship and realised that I was worth more than a couple of reposted quotes, I should have been atleast worth a conversation.
Did we ever talk again, no, I was actually removed from social media. I had to realise that the friend I once had, wasn't a friend anymore, she wasn't going to be there to have a first date debrief with and have to listen to me go on about the most amazing guy, she wouldn't be the person to knock some sense into me when I was drunk and wanted to message my ex, that she woudn't be the person sharing the dance floor with me as we sang the night away, she won't be meeting my future husband, she wouldn't be a bridesmaid at my future wedding and she wouldn't be an aunt to the children I would have, while I thought of that I realised that I wouldn't be able to watch her fall inlove with a guy she truly deserved and reach the acomplishments she had set for herself. I realised that I felt like I had lost a loved one, that I was having to bury years worth of memories. I realised that the new years we had would be the last year we would enter as friends, that night out would be the last we had, the last picture we took would be the final one I would print and display in my room before erasing every memory and every picture that I had, I said goodbye to someone I thought of as a best friend. I think the emotions of situations can be a confusing time, because even though I'm mourning the ending of a friendship and having all these memories and moments shared erased, there was something very peaceful about the whole scenario.
Was I happy to be letting go, yes, I got to a point where I understood it was for the best, that it has worked out the way it should have, that I could see it was leading up to this moment for months. I knew how I wanted to be as a friend, and maybe I'm being unfair, but I knew how I wanted to be treated. I couldn't imagine turing around to a friend and asking for a break, asking to not talk and doing all the things that happened after without even a single conversation. I felt somewhat a sense of relief, but it is still hard to experience a friendship breakup. I focused on myself and worked on my mental health, surrounded myself with good people, and even met knew people in a time when I didn't expect, but that is another story.
I'm a big believer that everything happens for a reason, and if something is meant to happen it will. I've learnt many times before that you shouldn't chase something or someone that is walking away from you, instead bump into what or who is coming towards you. I wasn't about to chase after someone instead I bumped into the friends I have now, and that is the biggest blessing, that even after all the drama, stress and hurt, I am able to make friends, in a new stage of my life, and I have no doubt, that these are friends I will be able to keep, that these friends, will last a lifetime.