If you could ask 8 year old me what my life would be like in my early 20s, the first thing that little girl would want to talk about is love life! I always had this idea of being in a long term relationship, I never imagined being 21 years old and feeling like I have no chance in meeting somone and swearing off dating.
I experienced the highschool relationship (check out "never getting back together" to see how that turned out), but when I decided to get back out there, I wish I stayed in my little bubble. I went on my first proper date out of a relationship at 19, I had met this boy on a dating website, are we surprised? no, because no one walks up to someone in a pub or club anymore, but over the course of the time that we talked, I felt myself slowly catching feelings, we went on a date and it was safe to say I was into him, and I had the feeling he was into me, we continued to talk religiously after the date and had made plans to go on a second date when he retured from his holiday with his friends... do you see where I'm going with this, it was not a holiday with his friends. During the lead up we had a lot of conversations about becoming official, I felt some hesitation on his end, which I understood the reason to from the stories he had once told me. Although I didn't want to push, I knew what I wanted and what I didn't want was to be stuck in a talking stage for months and months for it to go absolutely no where. We agreed to give it that week apart and we would discuss how we felt when he returned and went on our second date.
I was on the phone one day to my friend while he was on this holiday and just had this feeling soemthing wasn't right, as I recieved a snap from him earlier that day of a photo with him and in the reflection of his sunglasses you could see a girl sitting very closely with him. I later discovered through social media, that he was never on holiday with his friends, but on a holiday with his girlfriend. I was disgusted with him, but more so with myself for having feelings for a guy that could willingly and continously do this to someone he is suppose to care about.
I dated occasionally, with my guard a bit more up and when I wasn't in a back and fourth with my ex, I was seeing the possibilities of the fish in the sea. Just before my 21st birthday I had met this guy, again online, and I don't know what it was about him, but I insantly fell head over heels, I catch feelings fast, but never this fast, I had became obsessed with everything to do with this boy, he was older, someone I was very attracted to and just seemed like an all round nice guy, we talked all day then on the phone every night for hours, we had arranged a bunch of dates and then went on our first one, he picked me up from a public location (as I would never give your address to someone you meet on the internet) and we went to a local zoo type place. The energy was there, we were being flirty, holding hands, I felt like it was a huge compliment as we talked to a member of staff and she had thought we had been in a relationship for months, everything with him just flowed. After we went for something to eat and talked for ages, he then took me home and that is when everything turned sour. He messaged saying a load of rubbish and then ghosted two seconds later.
I think after that experience I truly felt lost in the dating world. Those two main dating experiences where the top worst out of a lot more bad experiences. I didn't want to admit how upset I was at the recent situationship ending and I guess I put on a brave face and continued to carry on how I had been before but at that time I believed that I was the problem, that I just wasn't good enough. I took a step back from dating and listened to everyone say "oh there is plenty of fish in the sea", which sea? maybe I needed to look in a different area of the ocean because the fish I had been picking out, were not it!
After a summer holiday later in the year I truly was able to see comfort in being myself and wanting to be loved for who I am and know that someone, the right someone will come around when it is right (there's more to that story but we will leave that for another time). I think for the first time in a long time I was happy to not be going on dates and just began to appreciate the single life. I realised that maybe I kept going on these dates and even though they weren't going well or ended up not being what I wanted, I just wanted what my 8 year old self wanted, and that was to be loved by someone. I wanted a relationship, but I didn't need one to survive.
The second half of 2024 has been the biggest blessing, with dating and searching for a possible romance put to the back burner it let me look at myself and who I am as girl in her early 20s with her whole life ahead of her, with no rush or need to settle down, and an endless list of opportunities ready to happen (more to come...), I got to identify with myself more, something that seems silly to not have already been doing, but when I was dating, I wasn't putting myself first, I was so focused on the other person in every situationship I had fully lost track of myself. I have spent the rest of the year just finding out more about myself, making decisions for my future and the goals I want to achieve and memories I want to create. The outlook I have on dating is completely changed.
I felt like I was actively looking for love, with flicking through dating apps, it feels like your searching and making a graph of guys that could be a potential, I was forcing something most of the time that wasn't there. I looked at all my bad experiences in dating as a positive, it brought me closer to knowing what I want from a future relationship, I know that when the right one comes along, it won't be hard or stressful or worrying, it will feel right and if it happens it will be at the right time and most likely when I least expect it.